When I wrote about my desire to dance with the president, people were scandalised. When I wrote about wanting to make love to Yoweri, there was again yet more scandal. Shallow-minded people such as James Onen did not get the greater import of my two pieces. Some labelled me insane. Others said I was irreverent and a disgrace to the customs of the Baganda – my people whose women are so proper and submissive that we kneel before all our men! A few others threatened me with tales of arrest and investigation by CID. My meaning was lost to all these simpletons who neither know metaphorical use of diction, nor the beautiful power of squeezing the juices out of pregnant words.
So, this time I’ll try something a little easier to grasp. It is about the creation of a ministry that the president forgot in his recent cabinet reshuffle. I want Musanvu to create another new ministry. He will name it the Ministry of Governmental Cleansing. I will be appointed the Minister. I will work with the most gentle masseuses, saunaists, aromatherapists and cleansers. Since 2016 is round the corner, we are going to offer cleansing services to all government officials in public offices. They will come into our ministry chambers, undress totally, reveal their flab-filth-and-all, and then we shall scrub the slime off their bodies. We shall scrub and clean the obvious dirt as well as soak, exfoliate and detox the invisible dirt! In this ministry, we shall clean our dirty public servants until they are sparkly clean.
I want to bathe the president in scented waters and cleanse him of his filthy foul deeds. I want to help him undress from his layers of protective clothing, until he is standing bare before me – exposed in all his presidential glory. I want to take a close look at all his sinning, as he confesses his public tresspasses one after another to me in ways akin to penitence in church. I want to make Yoweri relax thoroughly well enough to trust me with the burden of his filth and abuse of public office. And I will scrub away the dirt; layer upon layer. I will scrape inside his ears, and brush his tongue well. I will clean between his fingers, under the nails, inside the rings of fat on his belly, and inside his ekundi. I will clean hard every crevice and pore from the top of his head right down to the bottom of his feet.
As he reveals his partners in crime, I will issue a mandatory ministerial summon for them to come and receive their own cleansing before 2016 draws nigh. Inspector General of Police Kale Kayihura and his officers and men, Chief of Defense General Katumba Wamala and all those ranked officers under his charge, Speaker Rebecca Kadaga and all the legislators who serve with her, Chief Justice Bart Katureebe and the diverse workers in the judiciary he heads, Prime Minister Ruhakana Rugunda and all the Ministers and public servants he commands… all of them shall come to the Ministry of Governmental Cleansing for a good scrub down. The very filthy ones will require soaking in a solution of Jik and Mr. Muscle detergents. If cleansing of our government officials in this regime does not happen this year, how else will they stand before Ugandans and ask for our votes next year? How will the present system justify its extension if the individuals comprising it do not get a thorough cleansing? Ugandans are very tolerant people, but the filth is now suffocating. Give me my ministerial position so that I may serve Ugandans!